Stray Pixels

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Sega gives Nintendo some advice on the 3DS redesign

[phone rings]

Nintendo: Hello?

Sega: It’s time we have “the talk.”

Nintendo: Who’s speaking? And what do you mean?

Sega: Sega here, your old buddy from the 90s console wars. I’ve been thinking about you.

Nintendo: I don’t need you, Sega. Go back to making horrible Sonic remakes.

Sega: I feel your pain, Nintendo. I too once had a hugely successful platform overtaken by a much nimbler opponent. The Genesis was our pride and joy, but it only had 64 colors on screen, couldn’t do hardware scaling and lacked a CD-ROM drive — the next wave in interactive entertainment. So we fixed it with the Sega CD and the 32X.

Nintendo: You killed it, you mean.

Sega: Yes. Those were dark times for the House of Alex Kidd. But we learned our lesson.

Nintendo: I didn’t have a choice. iPhones and the Android Army are destroying the industry as we know it. The 3DS was our attempt to take the spotlight away from inexpensive mobile games. We went all out. Now look at us.

Sega: Pathetic, I know. But you must resist the urge to “fix” the 3DS. Just look at that NeoGAF thread. You’re getting killed out there. And this is just the beginning.

Nintendo: So you want us to do nothing?? We can’t let the DS franchise die like your ill-timed Dreamcast. The DS kept us alive through the Gamecube Era. It deserves better.

Sega: You need a proper follow-up. If we waited a couple years in 1992, then launched a Sega Neptune with a CD drive and built-in 32X tech, things would be different. Our customers would love us still. Instead, we launched expensive add-ons and killed them almost as fast as your 3DS price drop.

Nintendo: Screw it. The “hardcore gamers” asked for dual analog sticks: they got it. They made us do it. They will have to live with it whether they like it or not.

Sega: This is suicide! Think of Yoshi and Princess Peach. Think of Kid Icarus, for Pong’s sake!

Nintendo: We’ll die honorably. Goodbye, dear friend. I’ll see you in the Great BIOS in the sky.


[hangs up]

Filed under Nintendo Sega 3DS analog sticks NeoGAF funny humor tech